malloc(sizeof(boca_raton)+sizeof(me)+sizeof(gf));

Posted by Timothy on May 26, 2006 in Random Babble

Well, since the job search has been so darn crappy over here in Tampa.  I had to make a few calls to a friend who put my resume in front of the right people.  This started the interview process and I got a job.  Unfortunately, it’s located 3hrs east.  Yes, the east coast of Florida.  Boca Raton.  I’m not entirely happy with having to move for a job.  But sitting here waiting to find something just isn’t paying the bills.  It’s all fun and games until the money runs out— and I’m just about out.  I’ve been trying to stay positive about this move even though Boca has been hit by hurricanes.  West Palm Beach is approx. 40mins north.  Ft. Lauderdale is approx. 20mins south.  Miami is about 40mins.  Key West is just about 4hrs.  Oh and hey, the Bahama’s is 90mi off the coast.  Homestead is about an hour.  So if I ever want to go watch some CSS superbike races the track is close.

The company I’m going to work for sounds really good too.  This will be the first time in my career I’m able to get some sort of bonus.  Yea, I know, it’s the little things in life that get me excited   The environment seems pretty cool.  They’ve labeled all their offices and conference rooms with Monopoly properties.  I’m not sure if I should read too far into this or what!   My one friend and old co-worker works there, so I’ll be able to hang out with him.

Also, my GF is moving with me.  She doesn’t really have a lot going on over here anymore so she says it’s not a big deal to just pack up and move.  Everyone seems to think it’s a big-deal, and it probably is and should be.  But it’s just like tomorrow, or whatever– Sure, she’s moving with me and we’ll be living together.  I just don’t see the big deal.  We’re together for a reason and we really enjoy each others companionship.  The apartment is big enough that if we start WWIII we can be separated in neutral corners until the dust settles   Obviously I hope things don’t come to that.  But it’s going to be a fun and exciting journey.

My only worry is being able to afford this apartment and the hurricanes.  Tampa has been quite lucky, Boca has not.  They’re still rebuilding from last years hurricane season.

Trust? Again?

Posted by Timothy on May 10, 2006 in Random Babble

So, we’re back on the topic of trust.  Again, I’ll have to say that my past isn’t the most honest– and again I’ll say that I’m done and over with all that bullshit.  But I’ve played those games, I’ve been there done that and lets not forget, I’ve had those games played on me and BOY– I was played.  So now that I’ve been used as a door-mat, I find it difficult to trust people.  The thing that makes it even worse is I know how it all works.  Oh! Lets not forget my hyperactive imagination.  Now, take all that drop it in a blender and you see where I’m at on this trusting stuff.   Totally sucks cuz I’m constantly questioning peoples actions and whatever it is they’re talking about.  It’s bad enough that I’m already a spazz and to top it off I can’t stop thinking about the posibilities of whatever it is.  This just adds to my insomnia which adds to my stress.  It’s a never ending cycle that I just can’t seem to break out of.  There needs to be an off switch.  I just can’t find it.

I’ve been thinking lately that a lot of this distrust stuff stems from my own lack of self-esteem.  I rarely ever feel good enough.  Again, the questions start flying.  Why me?  What makes me better than the next guy?  He didn’t forget his muscles, I got pipe cleaners and a beer gut….  He’s got money, I got some pocket lint… He’s got an expensive car… I got a Blazer.   He’s got his act together, I got nothing.  Why me?  I’m practically live for the moment.  I’m not stylish.  I’m not buff.  I don’t even consider myself all that smart.  Here I am.. 31 and coasting through life.  Why me?  Who am I?  I’m your average joe–  Techno-nerd.  Geek.. Dork..  I bought a damn motorcycle to stop being a dork.  I’m not sure it’s working.

Ok, so some of you girls might say it’s not about looks and it’s not the size of his wallet (it’s the size of his errrrr package).  But all through life, I’ve struggled to have a girlfriend.  I’ve struggled to be ‘normal’ and ‘accepted’.  I have one friend who was among the popular crowd who likes and accepts me for me– he’s back home and I haven’t talk to him in weeks.    I just don’t know anymore.  It’s hard to even think that anyone would be intersted in me for me.  Which returns full-circle to the trust thing.  I’m ‘good enough’ for when the OTHER guy isn’t available.  Or for when she needs something, or wants something. Whatever it might be.  I dunno.   Anyhow. It’s frick’n late, and I got stuff to do in the morning.  Just had to get this off my chest.  Yet again.